This chapter in my life is over.

And I know that it is, but to tell you the truth, I miss being a member of this community; I miss feeling like I'm part of something bigger. All of us want to feel like we belong -- that we have this purpose in life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm healed, but when you've been into the depths of hell and back, it's hard to completely forget. I still get that undeniable urge to avoid food, or to go into the bathroom and flush away all of my guilt. And I know exactly how all of you feel: that nothing matters but that fucking number on that fucking scale. It doesn't matter how many times you almost collapse, it doesn't matter that you're damaging your heart and brain, it doesn't matter how many times people tell you you're too thin -- in fact, that inspires you even more. All that matters is that at the end of the day you've lost something; a pound, maybe even an ounce.

But that's no way to live. To avoid your friends because social activities so often revolve around food, to avoid your family because they're concerned about you, to avoid even yourself because you don't want to come to terms that you're sick and need help. I'll be battling Bulimarexia for the majority of my life; it's something I think about every day. But there is a better life out there for you all.

And I'm not trying to preach. I used to fucking hate it when "recovered kids" preached. I'm just assuring you all that when you're ready to finally stop, that it's possible. You're not stuck in a rut. Life shouldn't have to be this constant obsession over your weight.

It took me about two months to fully heal, and it was one effed up battle, but I'm so much happier than I was. Eating disorders are a bitch, but you can overcome that.

Know that I'll be checking my xanga periodically, and if you need to talk at all, or even need advice about anything ... I'll be here to help you all out. You shouldn't have to suffer alone like I did.

I love you all so much. You're all absolutely beautiful people.

- Chase -

"Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, and above. "

I'm healed.

So much of my life was wasted being preoccupied with my weight; I would measure the value of my day based on how much I had lost, and that was just no way to live. I've begun working out three to five times a week, and I can eat anything I was now absolutely guilt free. No, I won't deny that sometimes I wish I was skinnier, but I know that I will continue my workout regimine and over time I will have that perfect physique. It's been over two months since I've had any really serious ED activity. I can't guarantee that I won't relapse, and bulimarexia will be something that I battle with for the rest of my life, but it's a battle I'm winning.

There is a much better way of life outside of eating disorders. Trust me, I understand how you all feel, I used to purge upwards of five times a day. It's no way to be. I won't try to preach, though ; I used to hate it when recovered people tried to lecture me about my body. But trust me when I say: you can be much happier. You just need to take that step in the right direction.

This will hopefully be the last time I post on here. It was one hell of a ride, but I look back at my eating disorder experience as something that really defined and strengthened me. I have become a better person because of it, and I know you all can heal.

I will keep you all in my prayers. For some of you out there that would like to keep in contact with me, especially Kate, please leave your contact information on here. I love you all. Good luck with life; never stop forgetting how beautiful you all truly are.

-Chase-